Thirtysomething...

So. Less than one week until I hit what some people refer to as "the big 3-0."

I'm not fazed one bit.

At some point in time I was concerned with being 30. Other times I was concerned with what I would have accomplished by 30. I was going to be married, have kids, making movies, publishing a book, be doing intense missions work in the heart of Africa...and so many other things were planned.

At least that is what I thought.

I was going to have made a name for myself in some aspect. I grew up believing the "you are special, and meant for great things," speech. I was going to conquer the world. Or at least be known at large to some portion of it.

Well, 30 is 6 days away, and I've not done a lick of any of that.

So I should be upset. Or disappointed in myself, or mad at someone. Right?

No. I'm not. Nor should I be. Life happens, and God smiles at the things we call plans. Like my plan to move to Chicago and break into independent film. I can hear God chuckling to himself, "Oh Jesse, if you only knew what I had in store for you..."

Looking back on my life, and my plans, and my decisions...I'm glad I was wrong about a lot of them. Some of them, despite the adage, "no regrets," I do regret. But I will learn from those, just as much as I will learn from the good ones. God can take the bad, and use them for good.

Some things I had planned, were preposterous, some grand, some just stupid. But I have learned many things about my plans and goals. Specifically that unless I turn them over to God, that is all they are. My plans. My schemes. Me. I.

Back to that old enemy...selfishness. I really don't like that guy. He's like a fungus that just does not go away. We can so easily be blinded by our goals and what we want, that we miss God entirely. Even if we think we are serving Him. I know I've done it, and I try to be wary that I don't do it again.

Something struck me at church yesterday. Pastor Joel read from the Bible, and quoted Jesus saying, "There is no greater love than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." Granted Jesus is talking about his sacrifice on the cross for us. Yet that phrase can so easily be applied differently. Paul says that we must die daily to ourselves, be a living sacrifice. Jesus also tells us that when we offer food to the hungry, water to the thirsty, visit those in jail etc...we are doing it to him.

Ok. Let us repackage that concept. We should be giving our lives for those around us in need. What greater love can we show to others, than to give of our lives, and expect nothing in return. No reward, no accolades or celebrations. Just give to them.

This is something I really need to work on. To give more of myself, to love more. Because in the end, it won't matter if I've won an Oscar, or been on Oprah promoting my book...because that is just celebrating me. What I've done.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not fishing for compliments or support here. I know I give of my time to the church, and I'm not trying to be some humble person unaware of what they do. But this is only the tip of the spear for me.

I feel blessed to be able to serve God in my church the way that I do. I know it has affected people, because I have been told it does. It is only because of God's grace that I'm even here today to be doing such things. I'm happy to let God use me in this way.

And that, is what I feel I have accomplished in my life. I haven't seen my name on the big screen, or on a top sellers list, but I know I'm submitting my life to God. And I have a lot to learn, and so much more to turn over to him.

Yikes. This really went off on a life of it's own.

In times like we live in now, it's so easy, even for Christians, to get lost or caught up in the "rat race." Going through all my stuff for the yard sale has helped open my eyes to this. All that stuff that I thought I had to have...the things I "lived for" in that time. Such a waste.

I pray that each day I can live for something better, something more than myself. I pray that I learn to give up things that I want, that aren't necessary. That God would change my heart and my focus entirely. So that in time it will be less about what I'm doing or have done, and all about what God is doing.

That's what I'm looking forward to in 30.